Talking to your partner about finishing too soon

For many men, finishing too soon is something to hide: an apology, a joke, then silence. But silence rarely helps. Your partner notices anyway, and without an explanation she may draw her own conclusions. Talking about it is often the first real step towards things getting better.

Why the conversation matters

The Urology Care Foundation notes that finishing too soon can leave partners feeling less connected or hurt, while the man may feel ashamed, angry or withdrawn. Each can read the other's reaction the wrong way.

• She may think it is about her, that you are less attracted to her or avoiding closeness.
• Avoiding intimacy makes it worse. Many men start avoiding sex so as not to face the problem, which can feel like rejection to a partner.
• Anxiety feeds the problem. Worrying about finishing too soon makes it more likely. Sharing the worry takes some of that pressure away.

The NHS puts it simply: communicating your concerns can often go a long way to helping to resolve them.

Choosing the moment

• Not in the bedroom, and not straight after sex, when both of you may feel disappointed or exposed.
• A calm, private moment with time to talk, without phones or interruptions.
• When you are both rested, not in the middle of an argument about something else.

What to say

There is no script, but it helps to speak about yourself and your feelings rather than about performance. For example:

• "I've noticed I finish sooner than I want to, and it's been on my mind. I wanted you to know it's nothing to do with you."
• "I'd like us to enjoy this more, both of us. I want to look into what might help."
• "How does it feel for you? I'd rather hear it from you than guess."

Then listen. Your partner may be more understanding than you expect, and she may have worries of her own that she has not shared.

Working on it together

Once it is out in the open, many couples find it easier to deal with as a team.

• Take the pressure off. Intimacy is more than intercourse; time spent close together without a goal helps both of you relax, and relaxation matters because performance anxiety makes the problem worse.
• Practise the techniques together. The stop-start and squeeze techniques, explained in our guide to premature ejaculation, are designed to be practised with a partner.
• Decide together about anything you want to try, including delay sprays and creams, which can affect your partner too.
• Be patient. Change takes weeks rather than days, and setbacks are normal.

Getting help as a couple

Couples counselling or sex therapy helps many couples, and partners can take part. A therapist can help with anxiety, communication and the relationship issues that sometimes lie behind the problem. Going to the doctor together is also an option, if you both want to.

When to see a doctor

See a doctor if finishing too soon:

• happens most of the time and troubles you or your partner;
• is causing tension in your relationship, or you are avoiding intimacy because of it;
• comes with difficulty getting or keeping an erection, or with pain;
• has not improved after a few weeks of trying the techniques together.

Doctors are used to this conversation. Remember that you are not alone, and help is available.